The Things She Carried

“The only way the weight of the world can break you down, is if you carry it the wrong way.“

Lionel Suggs

Lately I’ve been feeling overburdened. Not by any one thing, but the accumulation of oh-so-many small things. Things that when taken by themselves seem inconsequential. But when you add them up they feel heavy and draining.

Sometimes I think mothers must have superhuman strength to shoulder the burden of parenthood and life and all of the things. We carry our children. In the womb, in our arms, when their tiny legs get tired and they can’t carry themselves – we carry them. We carry the children and we carry their stuff. The diapers, the changes of clothes, the pacifiers, wipes, and bottles. We carry the snacks and the drinks. We carry the rocks and treasures they find and ask to save and bring home. I can’t even count the number of times one of my children has asked me to carry something they’ve found while we’ve been out somewhere. “Mom, can you hold this for me? I want to take it home.” And so we put the newly found treasure into our pocket or our bag and we carry it home.

Then there are the things we carry that can’t be stuffed into a pocket or a bag. The things we can’t set down when they get heavy. The non-physical things that come with motherhood. We often carry the lion’s share of household tasks – remembering the daily schedules and appointments, the school projects and important dates. We remember the birthdays and celebrations. We have a never ending ticker tape of to-do items that is constantly playing in our mind. Does everyone have clean clothes for the day? Did everyone eat enough at breakfast so they won’t be hungry again the moment we walk out the door? Is the youngest wearing socks (or underwear)?

We also carry a heavy emotional load. We carry our own emotions. The fear of not being good enough, of not being able to give 110% every day. We carry the self-doubt and the guilt. There are days when I look back to when my oldest was a toddler (and only child) and I think of how clean my house was and how we always had time to do projects and fun things together. Now I have two children, a house that is always in a state of disarray, and I have to make a conscious effort to find time to slow down and do those things with them. It isn’t easy like it was before. So then I carry the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I haven’t paid enough attention to them while I’m trying to keep the house from falling down around us or cleaning up the millionth mess my youngest has made. If a mess can be made, he will make it. Most days I feel like I have accomplished nothing on my to-do list, and in fact have added more items to it.

When you become a parent you begin to carry more emotional baggage than you ever thought possible. You carry your children’s hope and fear, you carry their doubts and their dreams, you carry whatever it is they need you to. And you pile it on to the mountain already on your back like it is nothing. You carry it and you keep going. Because you also carry things that make the others seem less heavy. You get to carry their joy, their wonder, their love. You get to carry the dandelion they picked because they thought it beautiful and they thought of you. You get to carry their tired, warm bodies to their beds when they’ve (finally) run out of energy and the weight of them in your arms and their breath on your neck takes you back to when they were so small. So maybe you hold them for a little longer. While your arms start to ache you wonder how much longer you’ll be able to carry them for – is it a year? Less? Will they even want to be carried then?

We carry and carry and carry. Eventually the burdens will be less and we won’t feel the weight of so many things upon our backs, and while the thought of that is reassuring, it is also sad. There will come a day when I no longer have to carry so much for everyone else. But I hope that as my children grow they know that I am here to help them carry their burdens. That if they are ever struggling to carry them alone that I am here to take some of the load off their shoulders, and that I have many years of practice under my belt.