By “Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported.”
– Healthy Place, Paul Hudson
The life of a military spouse can be a lonely road. You will more than likely have to spend long stretches with your spouse away – deployed, in the field, off on a short training trip. You will also more than likely be far from extended family and your familiar surroundings. Your friends will become your support system and your lifeline. Finding and making friends as a military spouse can be difficult, especially when your natural inclination is to be an introvert. This is something I have struggled with over our eleven year journey and numerous moves. It’s something I will always struggle with. Luckily, the friends I have made over the years have all been worth the effort.
Shortly after I got married – read 8 weeks later – my husband deployed to Iraq for the second time. I was new to the whole Army life, and we had just arrived at Ft. Hood two weeks after our wedding. I only knew a handful of people, and decided the best course of action would be to return to Alaska to finish my last year of college and return after redeployment. I don’t regret my decision to return to Alaska, but I did miss having people around me who knew first hand what I was going through having my spouse deployed. After being back for a year, it was time for deployment number three. This time I chose to stay put. We were renting a house in the area, I had a job I loved, and most importantly I had found my people. I was involved with the unit’s “coffee group” and I had a handful of close friends that I knew I could rely on. When it was time to leave Ft. Hood and move to Boston I knew I would be missing those friendships and the support system as we were about to welcome our first child into the world.
While we were in Boston I decided one day that I would walk down to the library for the baby playgroup I had found online. This was one of the best decisions I made after having the baby. I had a weekly event to get out of the house and socialize with other parents and adults. I wouldn’t have to bombard the unsuspecting cashier at Whole Foods who naively asked me how I was doing! Being part of a group was a wonderful feeling while living in a big city. We ran into neighbors at the Y, or at the pizza shop on the corner. We started to feel that sense of belgoning, which could mean only one thing – it was time to move.
Our two short years in Boston were over in a flash and we headed off to West Point. This was the motherland. The holy grail of Army spouse friendships. It seemed that every close friend I made had kids the same age as my own, and that we immediately fell into an easy friendship. When our time in New York came to an end I was devastated. We were set to have a short eleven month stint at Ft. Leavenworth, and I’ll be the first to admit I put little to no effort into making new friends. Thankfully we had friends who were also moving from West Point to Ft. Leavenworth and even ones from Ft. Hood who would also be there. I made friends with some of the moms at my oldest’s preschool. But it was hard. I mourned the loss of all the friends I had left over the years. I was also angry. I didn’t want to make new friends. I had friends – they were just spread across the country (and even out of the country). Why did I have to keep starting over?
When we left Leavenworth I felt a sense of relief mixed with dread. We would be back with an operational unit for the first time in years. Would I find the same level of friendship I had when my husband was in company command? The answer was yes, and no. I found my people, some early on – running into a friend at the grocery store after being there for a handful of weeks – and others it took almost a year for our paths to cross. My husband deployed again while we were at Ft. Riley, and this was a new experience for us as we had never gone through a deployment with kids. We now had two tiny people who would be missing their dad for nine months. As fate would have it he left for Poland on our oldest’s fifth birthday. It was such an emotional day, filled with ups and downs and all the in-betweens. We ended up meeting our friends at the local donut shop for a small birthday celebration and to fill our sadness with sweet doughy goodness. Two years later we would meet these same friends to celebrate our two youngest’s birthdays and the return of their dad from his deployment.
Our time at Ft. Riley really reminded me that sometimes you have to put yourself out there, something I am not the best at doing. I’ve always felt like making a new friend is so awkward – it’s akin to asking someone on a date. “Hey, I like you. Want to hang out some time?” Luckily the friends I had for the two years at Riley were amazing. We hiked, we decorated holiday cookies, we went to pumpkin patches and breakfasts with Santa, we occasionally managed to go to dinner or brunch when the stars aligned and the dads were home to watch the kids. I even met up with one of my first Army spouse friends when we took a girl’s trip to Aruba. When my youngest got sick and we had to postpone a trip to Tennessee to visit my parents a friend swung by our house to pick up my oldest and take him to an event at the library so that I could take a nap with the sickling. We had truly amazing friends, and our kids had made amazing friendships as well. And then the Army said it was time to go. Time to start over yet again.
We are now in Virginia. I have managed to find a friend of a friend and now I can say that I have one friend here. But sometimes one is all you need. It’s enough to get you through the adjustment period of being somewhere new. It’s someone who gets what it’s like to start over. To find new friends, to find new doctors and hair stylists, new schools and activities. I still desperately miss the friends I’ve made – and left – along the way, but maybe I will be lucky enough to cross paths with them again before our Army journey is over.
If I could give a new military spouse some advice it would be this: get out there and make the friendships. Even though they have an expiration date and inevitably one of you will end up moving, make the friendships. It will still hurt when you have to say goodbye, it will still fill you with sadness when you think back to how long it has been since you’ve last seen them in person. Do it anyways. I too often fall into a sense of apathy towards making new friendships, of putting in the effort to get out there and make those connections. I need to remind myself that making new friends isn’t erasing the ones from the past. We need friendship. And not just friendships that are kept up across distances, but in person friendships. At least one person that you can get together with and see face to face. With a friend by your side, the road seems a lot less lonely.
Shallow Roots 